Only In Dreams
by Princess Turk
Summary: Reno takes matters into his own hands after losing Cloud. Trigger warning: character death, suicide, et al.


**_For L. I miss you, I love you. Only in dreams, babe._**

"Only in dreams, we see what it means / But when we wake, it's all been erased." - Weezer, 'Only In Dreams'.'

* * *

"There is no me without you."

The words slipped from Reno's mouth before he had the chance to completely contemplate their meaning; and Cloud, lying beside him in his over-sized bed, turned. Breath held. Still. Silent. Cold, crystalline eyes gazed over at him. Cold, pale skin no longer warm with the breath of life.

"Then you'll have to die too, won't you?"

Words like knives, they shattered the silence and hung like frozen tears on a corpse. Reno inhaled sharply. Heart heavy. Broken. Pain. He had seen this coming for a long time; should have known the day would eventually come when he would have to acknowledge the loss.

"Did I not love you enough?" Reno asked, biting his lip so hard that he tasted blood, waiting for a response.

"You did."

"Then, why? Why did you leave me?"

The question hung in the air heavily, the dream ending as Reno opened his eyes slowly, met by a bright torrent of sunlight streaming through his window. He turned over and hugged himself. The air in the room was so cold, a reminder of the day Cloud had left. His stomach turned and he sprang from the bed, throwing himself over the toilet to vomit a river of alcohol and blood. The sobs wracked his body throughout. He flushed the toilet and closed the lid, resting his head on it.

_I never said goodbye._

Each long day turned into another never-ending night. Hours after the last beams of sunlight reflected off of the empty bottles of liquor that had piled up on the floor, Reno would sit in the dark by himself and continue drinking.

He remembered the day that Cloud had left, as if it had happened mere minutes ago.

"Do you not love me anymore?" Reno asked, his arms stretched out in exasperation.

Cloud had scoffed at Reno's heated, desperate question. He shook his head, the blond spikes shifting slightly and reflecting light from the sun. "Maybe _you_ don't love _me,_ Reno," he accused, shooting the redhead a daggered look. "Or maybe it's just time to call it quits. We fight all the time now, and i'm fucking sick of it."

Reno had thought about his words for a long time after Cloud had left their home, slamming the door behind him. The fighting had begun three years into their relationship, a year after moving in together. He couldn't remember what had caused them to start tearing at each others' throats. Perhaps they simply couldn't live with each other, or maybe they just spent _too_ much time together that they rubbed each other the wrong way at every turn. Reno left a sock on the floor? Cloud would huff and stomp over to it, snatching it from the floor and flinging it into the laundry bin.

"Can't you do _anything_ right?" Cloud would shout. Reno eventually learned to shrug it off and keep his silence until the blond would cool down. Later, they'd fuck on the sofa and whisper apologies to each other until they both came - and they'd forget all about it for the night. He remembered one time in particular when he yelled at Cloud, flinging accusations his way. "Whose number is this in your phone? Are you fucking someone else?" he screamed, absolutely livid and all at once terrified. He had been so afraid that Cloud would say, _Yes, I am fucking someone else._

He'd seen the crestfallen expression on Cloud's face the moment he accused him. Something had finally broken inside of the blond. Cloud had cried that day, sputtering out in short, teary breaths that the number was for someone wanting to rent out a vacation home to them in Costa del Sol for their upcoming anniversary.

"I'm so sorry, baby," Reno had said, collapsing to his knees. His heart had hurt him so badly that he didn't think he'd recover from it - but he had yet to live life without Cloud.

And yet, the fighting and nitpicking went on - until the day Cloud announced that he was leaving.

_...Maybe it's time to call it quits..._

He had packed a bag and was heading to the Nibel mountains to think alone for a few days. Reno protested, slamming his hand down onto their kitchen table.

"Cloud, if you walk out that door on me, don't expect me to be here when you get back!"

But Reno was still there. And Cloud never came back.

Sometimes, he'd wake up near the door - his cheek pressed to the cold wood, slick from whisky sweats and hot tears. Always, he'd drag himself to bed, clinging to the sheets like a drowning man. Sleep would come again quickly, and Cloud would be there with him in their bed, as he always was.

Most of the dreams consisted of Cloud holding him silently while he wept. Other times, Reno would make love to him. But always, the _tears._

He couldn't cry enough. He had tears to fill a bucket; tears to fill all of the oceans on Gaia. He'd gone through enough bottles of liquor to kill an ordinary human being in one night... and then he realized that he _was_ just an ordinary man. He drank more, tempting fate and playing with death. He fucking _hoped_ he'd die in his sleep. Death and being with Cloud was better than living without him. A fucking _shell_ of himself. Cigarettes smoked to his knuckles, bruised knees from falling onto them. Shattered windows and scarred hands from punching through them. He was fucking _done._

Cloud had showed up again on that last night.

"There is no me without you," Reno whispered, breaking down into tears for the millionth time that day.

_"Then you'll have to die too, won't you?"_

He'd woken up in their cold room and raced to the toilet to vomit. He never got to say goodbye, and that was half of his problem.

He didn't _want_ to say goodbye.

Elena and Rude delivered the news to him three days after Cloud had left their home. He'd frustratingly sent them out to search for him after he hadn't answered his phone on the third day. _Sorry, Reno. We found him curled up in the snow, frozen to death. It was too late. How is it that he got lost in the mountains? I thought he grew up there,_ Rude pondered aloud.

_How could you let him go, you asshole?_ Elena had screamed at him. She'd beaten him with her tiny fists, and Rude had pulled her back.

_It's not our business, Elena,_ Rude hushed her. He glared at Reno. _She's right, though. What the hell was going on between you two? There was a note in his belongings..._

Reno had snatched it from his partner's hand and read it to himself.

-  
_Reno,_  
_By the time you get this, i'll have been back home for a while. I wanted you to know that i've thought things through, and i'm ready to start a new chapter. You're a fucking asshole, but you're my asshole - and i'm yours. There is no me without you. I love you._  
_Cloud_  
-

_...There is no me without you._

Cloud was in a goddamned hole in the ground now, while Reno struggled on and tried not to self-destruct - but the temptation was always there. Always flirting with death and tempting the gods, and most nights begging to be released from his hell. He wanted it so bad.

_I'll never say goodbye._

After Reno had drained the last bottle in the house, he stumbled out to Midgar Cemetery, his Shinra-issued pistol in his hand.

It would be three days before they sent out a search party. But there was no note this time.

He'd _never_ say goodbye.

_There is no me without you._


End file.
